Late Night Conversations

Stuck in a rut.

That's what this shit is.

Dean and I were talking on the phone last night without intending to sound mushy and nostalgic.. we had this discussion of some significant people in our lives... You see, we both share the same sentiments about THAT ONE person who got away... we both think that we already encountered "THE ONE". The sad thing is.. we can't move on from it. I was asking him.. when will this stop? When will the longing, sadness and emptiness stop? It is so hard to see/meet someone new when at the back of my mind, I can't help but to compare the new guy with Him. I have been through quite a number of dates.. and most of them were really great! As in if they are really good boyfriend material. BUT still, whenever I look at my date's face, I just can't help but imagine Him facing me, Him having that dinner with me. Him being that person with me. I know.. it sounds unfair for the guy I am dating... that's the reason why no matter how great Calvin or Nam is.. I JUST CAN'T COMMIT with any of them. Because I know I am still stuck with SOMEONE else. Like Dean, I know lots of girls who wants him, and I know that he's dating.. and I know that he almost fell in love with a certain girl (still undecided) BUT no matter how great the girl is.. NO ONE CAN EVER COMPARE with his SHARLENE.. We can find the greatest guy and girl ever but the INTENSITY is not there... it's just different. We don't know why we feel like this.. I mean.. They are not even our FIRST LOVE ... to hell with our first love.. I can barely even remember what happened then.. maybe they were the REAL thing you know? We tried everything to get them out of our heads.Name it we have done it.. I know the feeling.. that's why it sucks. It sucks that we can't just move on from this. Because there is this BIG QUESTION that we need to find out. We want answers.. we NEED HARD HITTING answers. WE have to hear it from them.. face to face. Dean even told me.. if only Sharlene told him to go away because she did not love him.. then he would do so. Even if it hurts.. at least things were cleared up. And because that was her wish.. he would obey. If only things were that easy...We need to fill those empty spaces.. because we dont want to go on forever like this. I am on my almost on my 4th year of hanging on to that memory... and I am scared to be like this forever... I mean, eventually I want to meet that someone who could level.. no not just level.. but to surpass the intensity of emotions I've had with Him.. I wan't to experience how to be in love with someone again.. But not now... no.. not now.



xxx to be continued xxx