thoughtbubble

i think it's just frustrating when you feel something this intense. and you have no friggin idea why. and you HAVE to holdback because it might scare people away.
People have told me to take a chill pill and relax. Don't push it too hard. Don't be so available. Don't let them take power over you. Don't be this Don't be that. There are lotssssssss of rules. It may be annoying at times.. but I guess it's because they just want to protect me. They know how vulnerable I can be once I let my heart out there in the open...they've seen how my heart has been beaten to a pulp...Though I'm still trying to find out if i am a Masochist or just plain stupid because I don't mind being hurt. As long as it was worth it. (or so I thought) and i will end up wallowing in my own black hole...bawling my eyes out for days... telling everybody that I AM SUPER over it. But still thinking about it every now and then BUT not that often.. and still trying to picture out every scenario i could imagine when he comes back to me. AND when it finally happens. the thing that I've been constantly imagining about. I TURN COLD. numb. I dont have the interest anymore. I really don't want it anymore. I just want the IDEA that i want it. but infact. I really dont want it... and i hate myself for that..
Maybe I just want those things that are elusive to me. Those that can give me challenges. Those that are broken that needs to be mended..Those hopeless cases. SO yeah. hands down. Stupidity won.